Lately I've been slowing down and taking more time with myself,thinking.. I've opened some deep buried boxes and i found that.. I have lost myself.
I've lost myself so much along these past years of my life,that i dont even know where to start looking. Or if i want to do that..
Life has changed me so much. My actions have shaped me into someone i cant recognize.
They say change is good and it should be welcomed. But i'm sure they mean positive changes. So what is positive and what is negative? Something good for me can be bad for you.. no?
Looking back, i'm different, but in bad ways. I think.. Thats the worse part.. i cant distinguish evil from good like before. Things used to be so clear. Now.. i adapt them by my own will and i dont know if that's okay.. I don't think it is :)
I used to have morals, solid ideas. I used to guide my life by common-sense rules. Now i find that i broke almost all of them. How,why did i do that? How could i forget Myself like that?
Now im in these fucked up situations which damage my conscience day by day, pulling me deeper and deeper into this big hole of oblivience.
My problem is that i dont know if i want to be the one is used to be or if i want to stay like this. Which one suites me best?
At one point, recently, i said "do whatever it takes to be happy." The old me would have disagreed. You simply cannot do whatever makes you happy! You cannot steal from people, lie to them so that you can have some benefit over it, go after your friend's boyfriend/girlfriend, have a relationship with a married person, take someone's life and so on, and so on..
The present me says "its relative, its karma, its meant to be.."
I wish, i'm hoping and i'm secretly expecting some kind of illuminance.. like you see in movies.
A sign, something, anything that could show the right path.
Does anyone believe that's possible?