End.

There's nothing you can call me that i haven't been called already.

Nothing you can take from me,i have nothing of my own.

Nothing you can break anymore,its all been smashed to pieces.

Nothing you can promise,i just lost all my faith.

There's nothing you can say to make me better,

i've heard too much and saw too little.

I gave everything and ended up with nothing.

Daydreamer

Some dream at night, some daydream.. I tried so many times to be down to earth but its not my place there,its not my nature. In real life i am surrounded by problems and painful issues and if i were to be aware of them all the time i would loose my mind with grief,because i take upon me not only my pains but those of dear ones too,and they consume me.. So i choose to dream and see the pinkish side of life. I create myself dreams and i cling to them with all my strength, idealise people and see only the good in them,make them my superheroes,take inspiration from them,learn and become a better person myself, cause when you have the best, you have to be the best too,for them.
Not all dreams come true and you fall on your ass when they don't but you have to pick yourself up alone and keep on going to find another dream to accomplish. Till now mine have been wrong ones but i know that eventually i will get it right and one of those dreams will turn out to be the meaning that i've been hoping to find. Not having a dream would mean the end of me.
I know that most times i'm lying to myself but to me a sugar coated lie is better than plain nothing. Only problem is waking up to a totally different reality than how you saw things and having to face the shock of sudden change.

Love makes u dumb

I look around at other girls. Pretty ones,like me (modesty aside..) and I see they're doing soo much better than me. They knew how to make the best outta their bodies and beauty. Like,in other words,they knew who to give it to.
That's the truth: we live in a materialistic world where looks matter the most,and where u go,what u do,who u hang out with. People are shallow like that and put such a high price on appearance.
Getting back to my point.. other girls have chosen that path. And I did too at some point.. till I met someone i fell in love with soo bad. He came into my life like an emotional storm and it was like a rock hit me in the head and now,from that girl who could move mountains for herself i became this love sick puppy who doesnt care abt anything else in this world other than to be with the one she loves.
But what do you do when the love isnt returned as you would wish it? When there's clearly no chance in you having that person for yourself? Thats the most terrible thing in love: not having the one you want soo badly.
So in that case.. is it worth it shutting your life down for someone who doesnt want you in his life? or he does but with a certain measure..? i think (and any sane person would say) Not!
Like you give it your best and you try to make that relationship work and in the meantime you shut every other potential better match just so that you would be faithfull to the one you love with all your being.
That's really not smart thinking. A clever girl would keep all options open. A silly girl chooses to follow her heart till the end of the world because she sees no other way.
Im still trying to figure out if that's a good or a bad thing,but im leaning towards bad because in my opinion, when the feeling isnt mutual from both partners it just cant work and one of them will get very hurt. In this case the silly girl who gave her heart to the person who didnt and doesnt want it. So that's why im saying: love makes u do stupid things. Love makes you dumb sometimes.

Find Me.

Lately I've been slowing down and taking more time with myself,thinking.. I've opened some deep buried boxes and i found that.. I have lost myself.
I've lost myself so much along these past years of my life,that i dont even know where to start looking. Or if i want to do that..
Life has changed me so much. My actions have shaped me into someone i cant recognize.
They say change is good and it should be welcomed. But i'm sure they mean positive changes. So what is positive and what is negative? Something good for me can be bad for you.. no?
Looking back, i'm different, but in bad ways. I think.. Thats the worse part.. i cant distinguish evil from good like before. Things used to be so clear. Now.. i adapt them by my own will and i dont know if that's okay.. I don't think it is :)
I used to have morals, solid ideas. I used to guide my life by common-sense rules. Now i find that i broke almost all of them. How,why did i do that? How could i forget Myself like that?
Now im in these fucked up situations which damage my conscience day by day, pulling me deeper and deeper into this big hole of oblivience.
My problem is that i dont know if i want to be the one is used to be or if i want to stay like this. Which one suites me best?
At one point, recently, i said "do whatever it takes to be happy." The old me would have disagreed. You simply cannot do whatever makes you happy! You cannot steal from people, lie to them so that you can have some benefit over it, go after your friend's boyfriend/girlfriend, have a relationship with a married person, take someone's life and so on, and so on..
The present me says "its relative, its karma, its meant to be.."
I wish, i'm hoping and i'm secretly expecting some kind of illuminance.. like you see in movies.
A sign, something, anything that could show the right path.
Does anyone believe that's possible?

Fericire

Cum vad eu.. Fericirea poate fi pe termen lung sau scurt. Noi ne-o alegem constient sau nu.
Sunt oameni care aleg fericirea de moment si oameni care-si urmaresc scopul pe o perioada indelungata. Cum sunt cei care-si cladesc o cariera. Ei cred ca dupa ce-si vor fi asezat toate caramizile fundatiei,sistematic si cu multa rabdare, se vor putea relaxa si bucura de viata.. Ei se abtin de la multe chestii dragute,se gandesc da,dar intr-un final o sa am tot ce-mi doresc!.. Si anii trec. Si viata trece pe langa ei.
Eu mai mereu am ales fericirea de moment. Vorba aia traieste clipa? Pt mine e atunci cand aleg sa fac ceva ce stiu ca dupa s-ar putea sa regret dar tot fac pt ca in momentul ala mi se pare cel mai bun lucru pt mine. Daca-mi doresc ceva il iau/fac pt ca poate a doua zi nu o sa mi se mai ofere ocazia. Este sentimentul ala care-ti inunda creierul de nebunie placuta si satisfactie ca doar Tu esti stapanul tau si nimeni altcineva!
Asta inseamna fericirea pe termen scurt. Da,si regretele pot fi foarte amare daca actiunea ta are urmari neplacute dar.. asta e! :) Toate trec pana la urma.
O reteta a fericirii nu exista fiindca pt fiecare inseamna altceva sau o obtinem cum putem. Trucuri? Da,alea exista dar din nou.. nici ele nu's 100% garantate sa dea succesul dorit, asa ca.. cel mai bine e cand iti faci viata din mers, din instinct. Si alta chestie in care cred.. sa fii mereu deschis catre nou, caci nu stii niciodata de unde-ti sare fericirea-n cale.

Ma sedez ca sa nu-ti simt lipsa.

Prostii.. din dragoste

Cand eram impreuna ii mai scapa cateodata ca-i place cate-o vedetutsa d'asta siliconata,cu sanii imensi.. Si-l vedeam si eu cum se uita..
Eu n-am sani mari.. Ma simteam groaznic.. Cand venea vb sa-mi pun si eu silicoane,ma incuraja desi stia cat de frica mi-e si cat de periculoasa e toata treaba asta.
Am incercat eu exercitii,masaje cu creme,am baut si tinctura de marar ca asa citisem eu pe net.. Am incercat sa fiu cum ii placea lui. Dup-aia ne-am despartit.. Evident din alte motive,nu din asta cu tzatzele :)) Printre alte ganduri.. disperate si planuri de recucerire, am incercat inca o metoda de marire a sanilor. (asta era una din ideile de a-l aduce inapoi: upgradarea,ca sa fiu destul de buna pt el..) Si ce-am incercat eu.. am aflat de niste pastile cu hormoni feminini care ar mari sanii. Zicea sa incep sa le iau din prima zi de ciclu,2 pe zi. Si am inceput. Ciclul nu s-a mai oprit 10 zile.. Care pe mine ma tine 4 zile. Am intrerupt tratamentul la 8 zile cand am intrat in panica pt ca nu mi se mai oprea!! inca 2-3 zile m-a tinut dupa ce am stopat tratamentul.

"La femei, in timpul tratamentului asociat se instaleaza o stare de infertilitate prin inhibarea ovulatiei. Poate sa apara senzatie de tensiune la nivelul sanilor.
Uneori se produc oboseala si scaderea vitalitatii, ocazional stare de agitatie sau stare depresiva."

Depresii? da. groaznice.

"Ca si in cazul altor steroizi sexuali, s-au semnalat cazuri izolate de tumori hepatice benigne sau maligne. Foarte rar tumorile hepatice pot provoca hemoragii intraabdominale cu potential de evolutie letala. Daca apar dureri severe in etajul abdominal superior, hepatomegalie sau semne de hemoragie intraabdominala, in diagnosticul diferential trebuie luata in considerare si o tumora hepatica."

Unde duce disperarea. :)